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October 3rd, 2004


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11:36 pm - Been A Few...
VT knocked off #7 West Virginia on Saturday, going to 3-2 so far on the season. Yay! :-) Did a RAM upgrade on the new iMac at halftime of the game, and then did a memory upgrade & added a second hard drive to Dee's computer after that. Yay upgrades!

Other than that it was a boring weekend. Saturday afternoon I almost went to see the Love Parade in San Francisco. But... as usual, I talked myself out of it. I've been wondering why. The best I can come up with is that I don't want to be out of place. I don't like not fitting in. And to drop myself into that scene... oil and water. Just don't think I'd blend in... I'd just be off by myself, unhappy. And I knew that afterwards I'd probably regret not going, but still I didn't go.

Sometimes I wonder if this is social anxiety. But it's more crowds of unknowns than groups of friends; I love being around my friends. So I'm not sure what name if any goes with that. And having good friends around makes it easier for me to deal with those large-crowd issues, like going to Knott's Scary Farm last year & waiting for the roller coaster. I didn't feel like I "fit in" in that line, but having my friends around made it tolerable.

But there are times where I can fit into a crowd just fine, and those are times where I feel like I'm in my element, or at least know what's generally expected. Like going to Disneyland. Almost any place I've been before. Heck, I can feel uncomfortable when I go to a new restaurant and I'm unsure if I'm supposed to pay the server or take it to a cashier. (I love chain restaurants for this reason, because they're generally interchangable.)

It makes going out and doing new things hard. It's like I'm afriad of what people are going to say (privately) about me. I don't like the thought of being the laughing stock. Heck, I worry about posting this because of "what will they think about me" thoughts. The easy answer would be to just make it private, just for myself. Which makes sense. But at some level, I want to know what people think. Not that it should matter, probably.

There's my ramble for the night. Bleh. Time to go lay down...
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

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