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February 8th, 1999


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08:00 am - Sleeping Alone
Last night was not fun. I crawled up into bed to go to sleep, as usual. At the time, Lis was working on updating her journal. Which meant her audio was 'breaking up' in NetMeeting. She said she was almost done, and that when she was she'd talk with me.

Well.... she finished and then she didn't say much. *sigh* So I sorta rolled over and fell asleep.

About an hour later or so, just after Midnight my time, I woke up. I could her Lis's breathing in my headset, so I knew she was still there and that NetMeeting was still running. So I tried to wake her up, because I was tired and needed to go to sleep. Well.... I couldn't wake her up. I tried talking, yelling, screaming, but it didn't work.

I panic very easily. I paniced. I was very worried as to why she feel asleep (normally she doesn't while we're on NetMeeting, even if she does lay down). I was worried as to why I couldn't wake her back up. And I couldn't just take the headset off and go to sleep on my own.

I crawled down from my loft and tried blasting stuff across the conversation: CMT music, annoying 'off-the-air' tones on TV, infomercials, radio stations.... nothing. I could hear everything I blalsted echoed back through Lis's headset, so it had to be pretty loud on her end. But nothing.

I felt so terribly stupid. I love Lis so much, but I didn't know of any way to wake her up. So I opened a NetMeeting chat window to tell her what had happened. I thought of a few more things to try, like making a holy hell audio mess with a local CD and some radio or TV. Didn't help. Then I gave in to my emotions, and filled the window with how I felt: stupid. I crawled up into bed and took Lynn, the bear Lis gave me, and placed her at the end of it. I usually sleep with my arms wrapped around the bear, but I wasn't in any mood to do it then.

I couldn't just leave the headset on, so I took it off. But I couldn't bring myself to do that either, so I layed it down on my pillow and adjusted it so I could hear what was coming out of one of the earpieces. Then I started crying, ever so softly.

And then Lis woke up.

I was a mess. I was a complete mess and I just didn't know how to deal with anything. Mostly, I was a bit upset that she had said, so much earlier, that she just wanted to finish publishing her journal entries and then she'd talk with me, but she didn't talk with me.

Publishing her journal was more important than talking to me. She had been talking, but her audio was breaking up because Frontier was 'stealing' away to much processor time. So rather than put Frontier and the journal away for a bit, she stopped talking. And when she was done, she didn't talk again.

Her journal was more important than me.

So I calmed down a bit, having woke her up, and my roommate returned. So I quietly ended my conversation with Lis, said goodnight and goodbye. And I left Lynn off the bed. I slept alone last night.

But then, when a journal is more important than you, I guess I'm lucky that the pillows let me use them.

(Touch Me)


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