April 28th, 2003
|05:27 pm - Am I Clueless?|
Thinking about things, myself, my life, I realize that I'm clueless.
I work, I get a paycheck, I pay for rent, food, car, pet supplies... but why? It's just what adults do, right? It's what's expected of me, right?
Do I need more motivation than that in life? What if I don't have more motivation than that? What goals am I supposed to have?
I don't understand what "living" is supposed to be.
Why do I want friends? Why do people want friends? Why do we seek out someone to fall in love with, and spend our lives with?
It's just additional responsibility. Responsibility to help them out... and then being incapable of really doing much of anything.
I mean... I graduated from college into a virtual marriage. Yes, legally, we aren't married, but we might as well be. Marriage really shouldn't change anything for Dee & I... and I think that's how it should be. If you need the "marriage" to keep you together, you probably shouldn't have been together in the first place. (But, then, how long does it take to know you want to be together?)
I went from minimal responsibility in college to a ton of responsibility, to care for myself & Dee. In some ways, I feel like I'm a parent, because there's always Dee at home to go home to.
I wonder what I've missed out on in life.
It's not that Dee stops me from doing anything, though. It's just perception.
I don't know what I'd do with myself if I didn't have Dee, though. *sigh*
I don't even know the right questions to ask.
It's not that any of this is new... all of this has been here for years. It's just, until recently, I had no motivation to confront it all. It was easier to just box it up and ignore it. But I'm at a point in my life where, if I am to do things right going forward, I need to resolve all this.
Current Mood: reconsidering