Sam (jevim) wrote,
Sam
jevim

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One Year Ago...

We were driving cross-country on this day last year. It was a significant change in my life, and I worried a lot about it. Thinking back, I'm still not sure if it was the right choice.

Yes, Dee is happy here. I've made some good friends out here. I've finally gone and done some of the things I had only thought about before. But everything comes at some cost.

My cost is living away from "home." I miss Virginia. Yes, the weather is better here, but it's just not the same. Life also seemed so much simpler there, although who knows if I'd still have a job. Part of me assumes (since it is my fantasy) that I'd still have my well-paying job, comfy in an apartment.

Everything has positives and negatives. I didn't socialize a lot in Virginia, which was boring and made me stir-crazy at times. But I never worried about "why" people weren't available. My social skills are terrible, even after a year. I spend a lot of time just telling myself that things are fine, that I don't have to worry.

I still don't have much of a life here. Yes, it's a lot more than I had in Roanoke, but when I look at other people... I'm in front of my computer a lot more it seems. Most everyone else has something better to do. I've never managed to find something better though.

Sometimes I just want to leave the computer. But what would I do? This is my entertainment. I'd probably be continuously scared that I was missing a chance for someone to talk to me if I didn't pick up the computer in the evening. I didn't have many friends online before I moved, either, but still I wanted to be "online" as much as possible.

I just sat in my room when I was growing up. I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do. I watch TV and play with the computer, that's what I know to do. In college, I watched TV with other people and played video games. After graduation, back to TV & computer.

What I do know is that I love hanging out with friends. Since I'm being forced out of my job, my desire is to get something closer to everyone else. Of course, part of me is afraid that I'd get a job there and then everyone else would migrate away.

I just start down these paths, and I end up sad. Part of it is the job search. Monster, HotJobs... they're just meat markets, and I feel that I'm just not what anyone wants. Yeah, I probably have a job to fall back on, but still... if I have to change jobs, I want to improve my situation, and a lot of that I think comes down to where we live.

Moving back to Virginia isn't an option. But moving closer to friends, in the hope that more evenings are like college and less are like growing up... that's what I wish I could really get for my birthday...
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