Sam (jevim) wrote,

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Negative Performance Reviews

This afternoon, a co-worker came by to tell me about the only bad performance review he had received at a previous job. It was a long-winded story about how he completely re-wrote someone else's code and how that person didn't care for the revision. I saw it coming a mile away, and of course he had re-writen part of the code I had already done for the current project.

I think he was expecting me to be upset about his work. He added a few ideas to the code that we had discussed but never implemented. He also cleaned up things that I needed to go back and clean up (but I had more pressing things in my opinion to take care of).

But I don't think I'd taken it so well if not for an early morning conversation (like, 4AM) with Lis today.

Whenever I feel like I've done something bad/something to upset her, I just mutter the word "stupid" to myself, which she has always responded to with "not stupid." It never did work. This morning, we talked a little about that, and what "stupid" meant to me. And she said (at my requst), "Okay, you're stupid. But I love you anyway." Which meant the world to me.

I've always been a high performer, the "perfect" student. I've always been afraid that people wouldn't accept me if I was imperfect. Having Lis say that was very important to me, I think. Her negative performance review of me might help me get some bad things (perfectionism, self-blame for things I can't control) out of my system a bit.

Not all negative performance reviews are bad...

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