Sam (jevim) wrote,

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Rough Night

Not a good night's sleep for me. Part of me is scared from last night's conversation. I don't want to lose Dee, yet at the same time I want what's best for both of us. There are lots of good things I am for Dee, but there are also the bad things I bring upon her, such as evenings like last night.

Would Dee simply be better off without having to deal with me? That question scares me.

I (think I) know Dee, and so I expect her answer is that she wouldn't be better off -- that, while I have my negatives, I bring much more positive into her life that makes it worthwhile.

I don't doubt how much I care for Dee, but sometimes I doubt the reason -- doubt that it is enough to sustain us. I wanted to be the Knight in Shining Armor, and I was that to her. Now we're years into our "Happily Ever After" and still figuring it out. Why do the fairy tales end at "Happily Ever After?" Things, for us, didn't just naturally go right.

Cats have no notion of what I'm doing I think. Trying to type, and Peanut decides to (a) walk on keyboard, (b) lay on my hands, and (c) get in between me and the computer. Thankfully, I'm able to reach around her and type at the moment, letting it be a stable situation.

Dee's still asleep; I don't know if her insomnia just lasted later than mine, or if she's not in as bad of a mindset as I. I hope she's having an easier time than I.

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