|12:00 pm - The Musings of a Crazed Man|
I think this is gonna be one of those entries where I wish I was a
better editor. There are too many random thoughts running through my
mind at the moment, and I doubt there is any good way to bring them all
On Friday, I was orginially supposed to start working at the
Bookstore for 'closing rush': dealing with all the textbooks people
wish to sell back to the Bookstore. Well, that didn't quite work when I
arranged for the on-site interview on that date. About a week ahead of
time, I called the gentleman in charge of scheduling and informed him
that I wouldn't be able to work on Friday. But, right now, I'm feeling
very insecure about my position with them. I never heard one way or
another from him. I'm assuming that he took my notice and removed me
from Friday's schedule and that I will start on Monday, the next day I
was scheduled for. But part of me wonders....
I think I shall be an absolute train wreck on Monday. I might
be one tomorrow as well, as I might try calling to find out where I
stand with them. I guess I'm just feeling very insecure.
And part of me is wondering if this journal is such a great
idea after all. I've already gotten a little scripting under my belt,
doing two little scripts that let Lis and I link to each other's
entries without having to manually code it. Lis sounded very happy when
I gave her that new little script. :-) But, if you've been to her
journal, you'll probably recognize the little calendar I have on my
front page now. Yes, she shared the script for generating that with me
and helped me get it set up.
But that wasn't good enough for me. I had to look at the script
and improve it. And so I changed a few little 'support functions.' For
one, I mentioned that I doubted that she did it, but (alas) I was wrong
and it was her handywork. I doubt she much liked that. Then I continued
and made it work a bit better. (Techie note: the set-up usually
involved telling the script what journal .html file was to be linked to
a certain day. I changed it so that the script could 'build' the file
name that should be linked.)
I just like having things that work the way I like them to. I
think that's one of the reasons why I like (and do well at) computer
programming. I can make the computer do EXACTLY what I want it to 75%
of the time. I can come reasonably close most of the other times...
only about 0.01% of the time does the computer get the best of me. (as
in, why the heck does Lis's NetMeeting lock up while we're chatting,
and how can it be fixed?) I should've just done nothing, as I think Lis
didn't take kindly to my changed... and the fact that I sent it back to
her and encouraged her to use it.
I'm just in a very insecure mood today. I have this little
magnet, listing emotions with a little face showing the emotion, with a
second 'ring' magnet that says 'today I feel', which you place around
your 'current' emotion. Right now, I need a larger circle....
exhuasted, confused, frustrated, sad, ashamed, depressed, overwhelmed,
lonely; they all describe me right now.
Part of me is worried because of something I read in Lis's
journal. She recently posted some back entries from September. In one
of them, she says:
The other option that would probably be in my best
interest would be for Jev to have the surgery. But I really don't want
him to have to go through that, especially since I think he would make
a wonderful father. I don't imagine that I will outlive him by any
means, and I want him to be able to make that choice later, should it
come up, without having to go through another surgery, that may or may
not reverse the first.
This has been bugging me a lot... I don't really like to think about
the future in those terms. In my mind, I imagine Lis and I living
together forever. I definitely don't like thinking about it. But as I
run it through my head, I keep thinking that if I do outlive Lis, I
doubt I will ever seek another love. I doubt I would even accept
another love if one found me. I don't think I could ever dishonor her
like that. I plan on loving Lis for the rest of my life.
I'm a mess right now. If my roommate walks in, he may wonder
what it is that had made me cry... of course, men aren't supposed to
Would I go for the surgery? As much as I dislike the thought of
it, I think I would do it if only to ease her mind. I love her too
much. I want to do everything I can to make us as happy as possible.
Who cares if I'm firing live ammo or blanks...
*sigh* I just want to make her happy. Something in my head is screwy
right now, and I don't know how to get things back together. Things are
probably going to be unusual for me for the next week or two. I think
the time may have come for Lis and I to finally have the one discussion
that we've both been dreading: the future chat.