Sam (jevim) wrote,

The Musings of a Crazed Man

I think this is gonna be one of those entries where I wish I was a better editor. There are too many random thoughts running through my mind at the moment, and I doubt there is any good way to bring them all together.

On Friday, I was orginially supposed to start working at the Bookstore for 'closing rush': dealing with all the textbooks people wish to sell back to the Bookstore. Well, that didn't quite work when I arranged for the on-site interview on that date. About a week ahead of time, I called the gentleman in charge of scheduling and informed him that I wouldn't be able to work on Friday. But, right now, I'm feeling very insecure about my position with them. I never heard one way or another from him. I'm assuming that he took my notice and removed me from Friday's schedule and that I will start on Monday, the next day I was scheduled for. But part of me wonders....

I think I shall be an absolute train wreck on Monday. I might be one tomorrow as well, as I might try calling to find out where I stand with them. I guess I'm just feeling very insecure.

And part of me is wondering if this journal is such a great idea after all. I've already gotten a little scripting under my belt, doing two little scripts that let Lis and I link to each other's entries without having to manually code it. Lis sounded very happy when I gave her that new little script. :-) But, if you've been to her journal, you'll probably recognize the little calendar I have on my front page now. Yes, she shared the script for generating that with me and helped me get it set up.

But that wasn't good enough for me. I had to look at the script and improve it. And so I changed a few little 'support functions.' For one, I mentioned that I doubted that she did it, but (alas) I was wrong and it was her handywork. I doubt she much liked that. Then I continued and made it work a bit better. (Techie note: the set-up usually involved telling the script what journal .html file was to be linked to a certain day. I changed it so that the script could 'build' the file name that should be linked.)

I just like having things that work the way I like them to. I think that's one of the reasons why I like (and do well at) computer programming. I can make the computer do EXACTLY what I want it to 75% of the time. I can come reasonably close most of the other times... only about 0.01% of the time does the computer get the best of me. (as in, why the heck does Lis's NetMeeting lock up while we're chatting, and how can it be fixed?) I should've just done nothing, as I think Lis didn't take kindly to my changed... and the fact that I sent it back to her and encouraged her to use it.

I'm just in a very insecure mood today. I have this little magnet, listing emotions with a little face showing the emotion, with a second 'ring' magnet that says 'today I feel', which you place around your 'current' emotion. Right now, I need a larger circle.... exhuasted, confused, frustrated, sad, ashamed, depressed, overwhelmed, lonely; they all describe me right now.

Part of me is worried because of something I read in Lis's journal. She recently posted some back entries from September. In one of them, she says:

The other option that would probably be in my best interest would be for Jev to have the surgery. But I really don't want him to have to go through that, especially since I think he would make a wonderful father. I don't imagine that I will outlive him by any means, and I want him to be able to make that choice later, should it come up, without having to go through another surgery, that may or may not reverse the first.

This has been bugging me a lot... I don't really like to think about the future in those terms. In my mind, I imagine Lis and I living together forever. I definitely don't like thinking about it. But as I run it through my head, I keep thinking that if I do outlive Lis, I doubt I will ever seek another love. I doubt I would even accept another love if one found me. I don't think I could ever dishonor her like that. I plan on loving Lis for the rest of my life.

I'm a mess right now. If my roommate walks in, he may wonder what it is that had made me cry... of course, men aren't supposed to cry.

Would I go for the surgery? As much as I dislike the thought of it, I think I would do it if only to ease her mind. I love her too much. I want to do everything I can to make us as happy as possible. Who cares if I'm firing live ammo or blanks...

*sigh* I just want to make her happy. Something in my head is screwy right now, and I don't know how to get things back together. Things are probably going to be unusual for me for the next week or two. I think the time may have come for Lis and I to finally have the one discussion that we've both been dreading: the future chat.


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