Sam (jevim) wrote,
Sam
jevim

Stop the Insanity

The day started simple enough. I crawled out of bed around 10am, and hopped online. Lis and I caught up with each other, then around 11:30am I headed off to lunch. We had planned for me to spend until 6pm goofing off, then for me to come back and spend the rest of the evening together. Well, I went and goofed of for a bit, and got back just a little bit after 6. Lis was, of course, online and waiting for me.

Things did not go well. We started playing backgammon, and somewhere along the line things really got messed up. I think both of us have things that need worked out; things that are really stretching our emotions a bit too far. By 7, I was up in my loft, trying to relax to get my headache to go away. Just a bit before 8, we were finally getting things calmed down a bit, and I remarked to Lis about my headache, and she suggested I take something for it. That required crawling down from the loft, and while I was down I decided that I was, in fact, hungry. So I ran off and got food, came back and ate, then hopped online so she could see me.

And that's were we're at now. Conversation is little and not very often. I havn't even mentioned that I'm typing in this entry. I have CMT on, and I told Lis about this, but she didn't opt to flip it on as well. This makes me think something is very wrong, as she usually likes flipping it on when I'm also watching it.

She's not very good about discussing her problems. Well, I don't think I am, either, so I guess I shouldn't complain very loudly. She just told me she thinks she's screwed up, but I definitely don't think that's the truth. I just wish I was a better speaker; that I could find the words she needs to hear. It sounds like we've traded places; usually she's the one saying those same things.

Part of me is hoping that I can post this, tell Lis, and have her instantly feel better. I guess I'm really starting to doubt my journal: it seems things have been getting worse since I started this. And that is a double whammy, as I originally thought it would improve things, and that she would like the fact I was doing this.

And I'm definitely not looking forward to tomorrow now. I'm scheduled to work from 10am to 6pm, but what I really want to do, what I think I really should do, is spend the entire day here, online with Lis. I rarely do that; I usually like running off for a bit to do something. Part of it is that my monitor is getting fuzzier as time goes by. It's getting hard to read at times; heck, that might be the cause of my headaches. Of course, my computer doesn't want to cooperate at the moment. I guess I can tolerate 800x600 until my next reboot....

Another part of it is that my roommate likes to be in the room. NetMeeting is nice for me, as it means I have to read less stuff off the screen. But I don't really like talking on it while my roommate is here. And he's here much more during the day; hence, I like to run off. But I don't think Lis really likes that.

I guess I'm stuck. There's not a whole lot I can do about the situation, either; at least, not until after I graduate in May. Then, the computers will become a lot less important... we'll be able to share a bed every night. We'll be able to fall asleep in the safety of each other's arms. We'll wake up to the most wonderful sight first thing in the morning: each other's smiles.

Is it worth it? I think so. I hope Lis thinks so, too....
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