|11:00 pm - All Quiet|
Why is it that problems are the most
common reason for me to write a journal entry? I guess a problem is why
I'm writing this one; Lis just mentioned that I hadn't written anything
for a few days now. She's been beating me on the frequency count these
past few days, having done one every day in February so far, but I'm
only on number three. She's just had a lot more on her mind, I guess.
Or, at least more things on her mind that she wanted to write down.
My main thoughts have been hovering around a new Linux server that's
being installed by a friend of mine. Basically, trying to think of
everything he needs to do/check/install/bribe before the server goes
into service. I've already caught a few things that would've been
annoyances, but nothing would've kept it from working.
I have no homeworks due this week. Today was the only
assignment for the week, and it was a group project that we BSed
through. And I've been sitting here most of the night with Lis on
netmeeting and me saying absolutely nothing.
Am I the one with the communication problem?
Lis tries her best when I ask her to talk, but that's when we're
into a conversation. But when we're stuck here... she doesn't bug me
about me not talking. She just sits there and whenever I say something,
she says something back. And, in my mind, I'm sure she's smiling as she
says it. *sigh*
Amazing how rambling makes you think of some of the weirdest things. I hope Lis bugs me more about writing in the future. :^)
I just want the school year to be over. I just want to graduate.
I just want to start working. I want my first apartment, my first
car... I want away from my father. I want to be with Lis. I want
everything, but can have almost nothing. The life of a college student.
Which everyone around me seems to like very much. All the guys
on my hall are loving life, goofing off, sometimes going to classes,
having fun. And I just want out of it. I can remember when I was just
like them. College was new. My girlfriend, Emma, was here at school.
(We met here at school.) The next semester, I no longer had a
girlfriend. I took to the bachelor's life, because my emotions were
I took to the bachelor's life... I never really thought of it
that way before. I guess this is gonna be "The History of Jev". That
semester, Emma was looking around at co-oping, and I just didn't care.
I was goofing off. The next fall, I looked at co-oping, but I didn't
look hard. One sorta fell into my lap over Thanksgiving break, and so I
started co-oping. I made a couple visits to Emma's while I was
co-oping, and during one of those visits she had planned to IRC with
Lis and Connie.
I keep wondering what would've happened to my life if I hadn't been in a place to be there for that first chat.
But ever since I met Lis, I haven't been a bachelor. My life is
tied to the computer & phone. I can't really just run off, because
I know that someone will be worrying about me. But I want to run off,
and I do that at times. Usually Lis knows what's going on, but
sometimes I don't mention it and I feel so bad when I realize it, and
even worse when I have to go back and tell her about it. *sigh*
It's not that I don't love Lis. It's not that I don't want to
spend time with her, either. But it's more that... well, I'm not a
bachelor any more. I can't just run off.
But I'm 22. I get scared about being tied down. It's an
impossible situation... wanting your freedom but not wanting to give up
the person who has taken it from you. It's an impossible situation...
Which I handle by just sitting here and being quiet. Or by
running across the hall for a bit. There are so many things that it
would've been neat to get involved with, but I just never thought it
was more important than Lis. Heck, I've gotten a job for after I
graduate, so what I do now shouldn't matter at all... should it?
I wish there was something I could do here, something I could
do while still talking with Lis. I have a cross-stitch project, but
that's something that requires more space & comfort than I really
have here. Other than that... I can web-surf.
I need a second monitor & a second computer. That way I
could play with Linux or reboot it or rip it up or something and still
have a computer to use so I can talk to Lis.
Okay, I think this is the "Woe is Jev" lecture now.
There's something inside me that's wanted to get out for a while
now. I still don't know what it is, though. I'm starting to think it's
just me wanting to curl up somewhere and cry that I'm stuck. Some part
of me wants that, and wants some pity for it. Not very likely, eh?
Part of me is scared about what's coming up in May...
graduating. Lis has some income of her own, but I'm the one who's going
to be 'responsible' for making sure we can get what we need and some of
what we want, too. Twenty-three and providing for a little family.
Momma and Poppa and kitties make four. :^) Or three, depending on which
cats come with Lis.
Maybe tomorrow I'll understand a bit better....