Sam (jevim) wrote,

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Mental Exercises

I started this out as a comment on Lux's journal, but felt I should stick it in here. Odd things came out, important things I think for my journal.

From Lux's journal:
When I was little, I used to mentally detach from my body. I can't explain it better than that. I think I can still do it if I try - but I don't really want to. It's pretty freaky, and I feel like.... it's probably counterproductive at this point. Seeing as how I'm trying to... get in touch with my body and all that.

I guess I can explain some part of my growing up in a similar way to you: Mental detachment. But I don't think I ever really detached from my physical self. Instead, I feel like I split myself, inside. My behaviors, my knowledge, my intellegence (such as it is) lives on one side. The other side is my emotions. Everything visceral. Including everything that relates back to my body. Well, not everything... a lot of my basic needs are sorta in the middle there, and the can get shoved into the emotional side at times and locked away.

My parents... my dad, actually... drove me crazy. I never cared for my father, and I don't feel like my father ever really cared for me. And I was heavyset, without any real friends, and so I sat in my room most evenings.

I was never really happy. But doing things that were ordered, those things pleased me. I collected baseball cards. I organized them religiously. I wrote computer programs to track them. And I developed my programmer self. If I get into a programming grove, I will lose track of myself. I've programmed for far too long at a stretch, not eating or drinking or moving. And when I leave that state... there's always hell to pay. The physical doesn't work that well without attention.

Fortunately, at work... there are always little distractions that save me from that mode. People walking by and chatting. Phones ringing. E-mail announcements. So I stay in a normal mode... listening to my needs and being intellectual. Sorta listening to both sides.

But mostly, I listen to the intellectual side. Heck, I shouldn't call it that... but it guides my life. More toys. More toys means I'm a better person. (Yeah right.) Make Lis happy. Her happiness is my happiness. (But she wants me to be happy within myself.)

But I want to listen to my emotional side. Having that away... it makes dealing with people hard. I can't tell if people are joking or not. I have really freaked some people because I didn't "know it was a joke." I'm stuck there... I'm socially inept. I don't socialize, whether that causes it or is because of it I do not know.

Being bisexual... I don't know if that's emotional (I like both) or logical (my pleasure has nothing to do with the pleasure of my partner, so long as they get pleasure from me as well). Having never been down the boy road, I still don't know. I don't know if I'll ever know.

It makes me sad. Only rarely do my emotions show. Usually it's because someone broke an intellectual rule, something that made my intellect freeze. Then the emotions come. And they're always sad.

I don't know what makes me happy. Only what makes me content.

Heck, so far as sex goes lately... I've been on an oral bender for a bit. It pleases Lis, which follows the intellectual side... but I haven't asked for anything back from her. I dunno... she doesn't seem to take her pleasure from exciting me, I guess is all. But I love driving her crazy. Yeah, I'm a dream guy. Sure. Whatever.

I'm confused...

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