Sam (jevim) wrote,

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How Much Have I Missed Out On?

It's taken me a while to put this into words, but today I think I finally figured it out. I think I know why babyraver and f0rge and stonethecrow and aelien27 fascinate me so much. Hell, even luxnightmare and carabelle_jenn too! I didn't do squat in high school but sit and home and sort through baseball cards, BBS, and watch TV. I wasn't much better in college, giving up on the marching band after one day, sitting in my dorm room, and basically not having a good time.

I wish I could say why I didn't have a good time in college. It's not really due to anyone in my life. I just never sought out anything new. I didn't have friends that varied too much from my own limited interests, and I think I gave everyone the impression that I didn't want to be included in other stuff.

Basically, I was stupid and limited myself, and I regret those decisions.

So now I've got all these people that I chat with, read journals, and such. They all have experienced things that I haven't. I just feel so inferior to them so far as life experiences go. No matter how old they are, I feel like I'm the kid. *sigh*

I don't want it to be this way though. I want to try so much new stuff. I worry how this makes lisana feel, although I tell her that nothing will ever make me stop loving her. Honestly, she could tell me to stop everything and start being boring again, and I probably would. She means too much to me.

Part of me feels like I annoy the hell out of some of these people. Especially babyraver. But no one has said anything like that to me, so I guess I'm overreacting. Probably due to the fact that I feel like they bring everything to the table and I bring nothing.

Part of me thinks that I'd take things a little too fast without some trustworthy friends to help pace me. I really hope that the interview goes well, that I will get the job in Cali, and that come May/June I will be living out there. babyraver has been the most excellent wonderful net-friend so far and I have high hopes for our friendship. Part of that is because babyraver is cool with lisana as well, and her maus is a cool guy too... which is what makes it great! it's not really just babyraver, but hopefully all four of us that will be great friends.

Please wait while we call someone to make jevim stop bouncing uncontrollably.

But... I think I finally have made some friends who I've made it clear to that I'd love to try new things, especially things they like/do/have done. I'm sure that at least one day on the full Cali trip will be spent just watching Anime. I can't even fathom what lisana & I will do for that entire trip, but I'm sure it'll be a blast. Part of me is worried that babyraver will be tired of us after a few days *giggle*. Other than lisana wanting to meet up with a few of her net-friends from EverCrack, I don't know of anything I have in mind that I don't think babyraver wouldn't want to do with us, depending on what she's up for.

Is it possible that lisana & I could run babyraver & maus ragged? LOL! That would take a lot of work I betcha! My brain just races when I think about that... who needs anything other than friends to get me worked up! :-) This is a cool thing... and a different thing.

I mean... vacations have always been hard for me. I mean, why do I want to go anywhere? Beach? blah, too much inadequacy, and sand in the swimwear hurts. The cruise was fun, but still... it was just lisana & I and a bunch of strangers, even if we did talk with people at dinner. But this Cali trip... I mean... I'm just so hyper about it! I'm looking forward to it! And I get to go out in a week too for a job interview...

Basically, is it too late for a New Year's Resolution? I resolve that I will not let myself keep missing out on new experiences. I have a lot of time to make up for those years that I've missed, I just need to keep myself from trying to catch up too quickly.

Sorry for the long rambling entry. But I just got to thinking about this while looking at some of babyraver's old journal entries, and I just had to put this down somewhere.

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