Sam (jevim) wrote,

Back to the first question... Why?

I'm surprised. People have actually taken some time to read this stuff. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, the NakkidNerds crew is pretty friendly in that regard.

So, I'm getting ready to head off to bed. I've always felt that I do my best thinking while I'm sleepy, though I don't often have the motivation to do anything about it. Hell, Kermit and I were friends before we were a couple, and we are friends still (though time & distance makes us talk less often now). But we didn't make the move from friends to couple until I was way too tired one night when we were talking. That night, I finally got past my uncoordinated, shy, self-concious wall and told someone how I felt.

I think it was the first time that I did that. Honestly tell someone what I was thinking right then. And, fortunately, there was a kindred spirit there, someone who accepted that and ran with it. Over time, the relationship took its turns. She ended our couplehood (turns out I was boy #2 at the time, however the other boy was far away from our college), I took it badly. I gave her a lot of hell for that. She was the first person that I felt I truely loved. I still love her, but I understand that we won't be a couple again. She understands (I think) that I still love her, and understands the meaning that comes with that. Nothing says that love must be sexual. As a guy, it usually is for me, but not always.

Eventually, and later on, we got the whole story out between us. That night that started it, just happened to be at the right time. She explained it as "you were there, you were available, we were adults..." Which boiled down to, later, as, "I used you as a sex toy." I think most guys would like to be that, once in their lives.

Of course, after we worked all of this out, she came to me, with a proclamation of sexuality (at the time, bisexual). I responded with the oh-so-witty, "Yeah, so? I feel that way too." And we talked. And we learned. And we became part of that community.She took to it more than I, I think. I couldn't get past other parts of myself... When you're a guy who likes looking at other guys, you realize just how ugly you are. Or overweight. Or lacking. And I thought I was all of it. So if I was shy around girls, I was even more shy around guys. Because, after all, why would they want me?

Of course, then I met my now-fiancee. Kermit introduced us. Why? Because Kermit met her and a friend of hers. Kermit took interest in the firiend, and introducted me to Lisana (fiancee). Yes, it's a she. At the time, Lisana identified herself as a lesbian. But, we just got to know each other. When we met face-to-face, we fell for each other. I haven't asked her lately how she still thinks of herself. But it doesn't matter. What does matter is that I don't have much desire right now to find anyone else, male or female. Most of the time, I'm very happy. Some of the time I'm not. I'm trying to figure out why.

There are so many reasons for doing this. I don't think I can explain them all. My main reason is that I'm writing to myself. Yeah. I need to remember what I think at times. My memory is crap. But, by logging, I can look back at what I was thinking. That's why.

Plus I can have people talk to me. I like that. Feel free to talk to me about these things. I've seen a lot of journalers who talk about now, and leave the past alone. Yes, the past can hurt. But we need out pasts, our pasts have placed us where we are. Sometime things come out. Sometimes things don't. This has been a good day, so far as volume is concerned. In a week or so, we can see if it was a good day, so far as learning was involved.

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