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April 30th, 2003


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05:17 pm - Backstory
(because I want to write something, and this is as good a topic as anything.)

D.A.R.E. came about after I was out of grade school. At least I think that is correct. Not that I wasn't a "good kid" already. But, I was not always a good kid, you see...

(Ladies and gentlemen, please put on your shock-proof helmets.)

So I would have been... 9 or 10 years old (3rd grade) when my family moved from the trailer park to our house. There weren't that many kids in the neighborhood, but there was a kid who lived across the street from me, who was as old as I was -- John.

I don't remember that much about this entire circumstance. I don't even really remember how old I was... but I know it was between the time when I moved, and maybe no more than 3 years later. I'm not really sure, but a few years after we moved into our house, John and his family moved to another house in town. I would've been in the end of my Cub Scout days, because John, me, and two other kids were our own little Cub Scout pack that drove 30 minutes to meetings (instead of going in-town) because the in-town Cub Scout pack didn't do that much. And we had meetings at John's house... so that would've been 6th grade, 3 years later.

Anyway...

I don't know how John came to have it, but he had a can of snuff that he hid out in the woods by our houses. John's dad used snuff tobacco, but I don't know if dad knew that his son had nabbed a tin of it for himself.

So I used snuff tobacco with John. I don't remember how long, or how frequently. I don't even remember what it really felt like, or if there was "a buzz" or anything. But one time (the last time I used snuff) I came home, and my mom saw (I assume) something in/on my teeth. I don't remember what happened. I assume that she was very upset with me, that I was sent to my room... but other than that, I don't really know. I don't remember.

But that incident... I haven't even told Dee about this until now. (Or, if I did, I don't remember telling her.) I've been ashamed of that for the longest time. I don't know what got me to try it, or anything.

I assume that this is why I've never really drank, at least not enough to get "buzzed" or "drunk" or anything. And why I never smoked. And probably why I came down so hard on my mom for smoking. I just remembered that little bit... and assumed what the rest of the reactions were.

And so, now you know yet another of my dirty little secrets. I hope you can deal with it.
Current Mood: historical

(3 comments | Touch Me)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:cognizance
Date:April 30th, 2003 05:53 pm (UTC)
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Drity little secret? Let me clue you in... that ain't dirty at all.

Kids do things they aren't suppose to do. I've done shit I wasn't suppose to do when I was a kid. And got caught so many times. Lost trust in my parents several times over.

But it's a part of life. No need to go through the rest of your life feeling bad about something so... simple.

It's just snuff. It's not like you and John were shooting up H or snorting snow or anything of the kind.

*huggles* You've turned out alright, Sam... And you still continue to grow till the day you die. Don't let your mistakes hinder your growth. Learn from it and move on.
[User Picture]
From:jevim
Date:April 30th, 2003 06:26 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Learn from it and move on.

So perhaps I didn't make the point that I thought I made. More directly this time: this past experience, I believe, is something that's blocking my from accepting my current situation.

Other things that probably didn't make it into the original post: I think we had gotten into a "habit" of meeting up to chew snuff together. I don't know if it was days, weeks, or months. But it was something... I got together with a friend to do.

I don't feel I got caught, as a kid, because of trying it. I got caught because I kept doing it. So the lesson I learned was... make a habit of it, and get caught. And what am I doing now?

And that's why I felt I should put it in the journal and share. I don't know if this really is something "in the way" or just something that I've remembered & written down for another reason. But... I just felt it should be put down.
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]
From:jevim
Date:May 1st, 2003 11:15 am (UTC)
(Link)
You have so confused me, oh great Zen master.

I understand part of the "biting the bullet" concept: there are things in life that cannot be proved, yet that we hold the belief of truth with great conviction. I tend to view religious beliefs as falling in that category. I do not see how this is usable in the given situation, though. (Hence, I am probably one of the group that has not learned to use the technique properly. ^_^)

The rest of this comment is being turned into another post. In a different context ;-).

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